I frequently get asked whether or not there is a formula, procedure, or even exact steps that can be used to stop us from getting riled up, especially during a heated discussion. It’s often explained me like this: I get upset or even angry when people don’t accept my ideas and argue back. When I get upset, I don’t respond well and I get stressed out.
The question here is, How do you know when you’re about to get upset?
Wouldn’t it be nice if our bodies had an advance notification system right before we became upset to give us a heads-up that we’re about to lose focus and get emotional?
Actually, most of us do get a warning notification from our bodies, but we choose to ignore it and continue with our negative response because we want to be right and we don’t want to be challenged. In other words, our ego comes into play instead of our strategic thinking. Our ego takes control and then we lose touch with reality.
How can you be more conscious about your emotions and thoughts especially during a tough conversation? How can you stop yourself from getting upset and reacting negatively?
The four steps below are deceptively simple, but they work! I have used them myself many times and shared my learnings with many clients as well. The key thing is to practice on a regular basis. You can’t just flip a switch; re-working your brain and overcoming your ego takes time to master.
Step 1 (aware) - Warning signals! Learn to recognize when you’re on the edge of reactivity. Get to know your feelings, and how they connect to what is happening inside of your body. For example, your heart rate might go up, your face could get tight, your skin flush, or you may feel some other physical discomfort or agitation. Whatever's happening, do not ignore it. This is your body’s specific early warning signals at work.
Step 2 (alarm) - Pay attention! Pay attention when your body raises the alarm that you’re about to get frustrated and possibly angry. This a critical step as this is the time you can choose to react differently and potentially experience a better outcome for your interaction resulting in less stress.
Step 3 (activate) - Trigger point! You noticed your body’s alarm go off, and you know things could go bad from here. Now it’s time to distract yourself from the situation for 1-2 minutes and cool down. Try taking 5-10 deep, slow breaths and pay attention to your breathing, in and out. Or, go outside and focus on something like a bird or tree, while taking a few deep breaths. Figure out what works best for you to disconnect from the situation.
If you can’t walk away or start taking deep breaths in the middle of a work conversation or a meeting, then say something like, “Please give me a minute,” Then, write down one line to remind yourself your emotions are getting stronger, and this is where you want to slow down. Figure out what trigger point works best for you by trying a few simple ideas.
Practice makes this step more powerful and practical. You can practice it even with your own family members during a disagreement.
Step 4 (action) - React! Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. How would it feel if you were on the other side of receiving a negative response or reaction? Most people answer that they would not feel good if the situation were reversed.
Respond strategically (less emotionally) and focus on the issue—not the person. Think about the tough conversation you’re having as a negotiation platform. The give-and-take method works best.
Use the four steps above the way that best resonate with you. Practice and make it perfect over the time.
Want more guidance or practice? Schedule a session and let’s talk about what works and doesn’t work for you.