What’s holding us back from doing what truly makes us happy? Why do we settle for a job or career that we don’t enjoy and might even hate?
It’s true that in some cases our current circumstances prevent us from making a major change, such as moving away from a well-paid job to a lesser-paid position. However, the majority of people I’ve talked to about this topic are usually in a position to make a change but keep coming up with excuses to justify why they can’t.
In other words, when there is something holding us back, it’s not always related to our current circumstances.
The Inner Nag vs. the Outer Nag
There are two voices that cause us to get stuck: 1. the inner nag in our head and 2. the outer nag, usually voiced by family and friends. I call them nags, because they’re always nagging about something. These nags tell you that nothing is ever good enough or safe enough unless it’s been tried multiple times and is completely without risk.
The Inner Nag
The inner nag is our internal voice reminding us that we need to stay safe. After all, change is risky. The voice of the inner nag is very strong and has a million reasons why we shouldn’t do something. It wants to make sure we stay comfortable; if we never take risks, then we can never fail. It also likes to remind us that we’re not worthy of something better; we can’t do something great because we’re not good enough, and if we fail, we’ll be an embarrassment to our friends and family. When you feel worried about the future result of an action, then most likely, the inner nag is at it again.
The Outer Nag
The voice of the outer nag is everything we hear from our friends and family. Have you ever noticed that when you tell a friend or a family member you want to do something totally different, they immediately start to tell you what could go wrong? I hate to admit it, but I’ve played the role of devil’s advocate with my own family members and friends many times. When I look back on those conversations, I ask myself, what if I had been more supportive and asked learning questions instead of opposing their new ideas? The sad part is that we often get influenced by our family and friends negative opinions, even subconsciously. This outer nag is not as strong as our inner nag, but it can still scare us enough that we won’t move forward.
How Self-Limiting Beliefs Hold You Back
Whether we’re listening to our inner nag or the outer nag, they both point to our self-limiting beliefs and doubts. Our self-limiting beliefs and doubts are the perceptions you have about your own capabilities—we assume we won’t be capable, and thus, we will fail. Self-limiting beliefs are the thoughts holding us back from making tough choices that might bring us more happiness and joy in the future.
Why do we allow our inner voice to control us from moving forward? It’s much easier to stay comfortable with the status quo than change. We’d rather hold onto what we have, even if we’re miserable, then sacrifice something (emotional safety, financial security, etc.) in order to find happiness in the long-term. Your inner nag always finds a good reason to convince you to stay right where you are.
Pause for a moment and think, what do you hear when your inner nag speaks? What does it tell you? What does it make you feel like when you listen? What do you do after you listen? How does it feel the next day?
Our self-limiting thoughts are the killer of our innovation and the force stopping us from moving forward towards our goals. If you can overcome such a powerful negative voice, then positive progress is possible.
Change is uncomfortable, and who wants to be uncomfortable? But the more chances we take, the more confidence we gain; this snowball effect means that every step you take towards your goal is easier than the one before. This is because we start believing in ourselves and our capabilities. Remember: The result of our actions is not as important as the steps we take toward our goals. We can’t control the results, but we sure can control our own actions.
So the question I ask my clients is, are you willing to be uncomfortable and give up something in order to achieve your goals? It will be challenging, but with some help from an expert like a Professional Coach, you can build the necessary discipline to establish positive habits that propel you towards your desired future.
6 Steps to Quiet Your Inner Nag and Conquer Your Goals
Step 1. When you want to do something new and totally different but find yourself uneasy or afraid, pause for a moment and ask if the voice of doubt you hear is coming from your inner nag. Oftentimes, it is. By recognizing that voice, you are telling yourself, I know my inner voice is just overreacting in an effort to keep me super safe.
Step 2. Let the inner nag rant for a few minutes, but then quiet that voice and take control of your thoughts. It takes a bit of practice to learn how to control your nagging thoughts, but it can be done. Start by thinking about something else that makes you happy, listen to music, watch a funny show, go for a walk, or think about a fun memory from your past. When you label your inner voice, you start taking control. Because you know that what the inner nag says isn’t necessarily true; it’s your negative thinking at work.
Step 3. Once you quiet the inner nag, you can switch your thoughts to solutions rather than roadblocks. Think about any possible options that might serve you no matter how outside-the-box. You won’t necessarily pursue any of these; you’re just retraining your mind to think of what you can do instead of what you can’t. (Sometimes brainstorming with someone else, like a Professional Coach, can be extremely helpful.)
Step 4. Acknowledge that if you take a step forward towards one of the options you’ve considered, there is a good chance you’ll be uncomfortable; you may need to give up something in the process as well. Remember: The more uncomfortable you are now, the more confidence you gain to deal with bigger challenges down the road.
Step 5. Take a step towards your goals. That could mean a simple action or something much bigger. Even small steps are better than doing nothing at all. In fact, I believe that smaller steps, as long we’re consistent, build discipline to change our habits. For instance, if you’d like to exercise but can’t find time, you may realize that reducing time spent watching TV is an easy way to gain time every day. What if you swap 30 minutes of TV with walking, running, or yoga? It might take months to establish a good habit, but if you’re determined, you will get there. The goal is to keep trying no matter what.
Step 6. Once you master one habit, even if it’s a simple task, like making your bed everyday, then you can add a new one to your list, while continuing with the first step. To return to the exercise example, once you’re in the habit of a daily walk, rain or shine, maybe you can lengthen your walk time or add another physical activity, like biking, on the weekends. Or, maybe you swap another 30 minutes of TV watching for reading books or cooking healthy meals. The point is you’re now building additional good habits on top of the existing ones.
There is no doubt that creating new habits takes us out of our comfort zone and requires will power. But you are in control of your thoughts, not the other way around. The more you practice quieting your inner nag, the easier it will be.
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