One of the toughest skills I’ve learned is how to graciously receive and accept feedback. I used to get defensive any time someone gave me feedback. I’d always take it personally and end up justifying why I was right and they were in the wrong.

Over time, I've learned that the feedback I was receiving was actually valuable; it was up to me whether or not I was going to make use of it to my advantage.

But why was it so hard in the beginning? Why couldn’t I accept that I had room for improvement? Like many people, I assumed feedback meant there was something inherently wrong with me. Feeling flawed was painful to accept. I didn’t realize that the words I took as a personal criticism were actually useful information that I could have used to address some of my limitations. I always felt the need to fix whatever was wrong right away, and when that was too overwhelming to attempt, I’d get upset, even angry. Later I learned that you don’t need to drop everything and start focusing on the feedback immediately. You can listen, learn, digest, and adjust as needed.

In fact, the best way to address feedback is slowly over time. First, listen well. Second, ask for clarification if you need it and get examples to understand the particulars of what you need to address. Third, remember you don’t always have to agree with the feedback you receive. Analyze it on you own and decide if it’s something you need to work on. In the end, it’s up to you whether or not you’ll make a change.

How to Receive Feedback

Here are some best practices for receiving any kind of feedback:

• Listen well and learn what message is being conveyed to you.
• Ask for specifics, including examples and a timeline.
• Note the main points and review them to confirm what you heard is correct. Ask if you missed anything important.
• Whether you agree or disagree, never ever argue or try to justify your action(s). Everyone has a different point of view.
• Always thank the person who has given you the feedback and encourage them to continue providing feedback in the future.

How to Handle Feedback During a Performance Review

Understanding and accepting feedback is essential during a work performance review where your manager is providing you with both written and verbal feedback. To start, follow the tips above—especially the one about avoiding an argument. It doesn’t help your case during the performance review, and oftentimes, makes things worse.

Here are a few more steps to prepare for your next performance review:

• Proactively ask your manager for feedback as to how you can improve your performance on a monthly basis or during your one-on-one. At a minimum do this on a quarterly basis. Do not wait until the yearly performance review period.
• When your manager provides you with performance feedback, make sure you understand exactly what you’re being told and ask for examples so you can learn precisely what you need to address.
• Do some self-reflection and figure out how you might adjust your behavior to foster improvement.
• Take feedback from trusted co-workers to see if they agree with your manager’s feedback.
• Give yourself time to adopt and adjust to the new change. You don’t need to make improvements for everything you learn right away. It takes time and discipline to make changes, and that’s okay.

If you’ve received some feedback and are unsure of how to go about addressing the changes you need to make, I can help. Likewise, if you’re a people manager needing some help with strategies to provide honest and on-time feedback to your employees, then reach out. Even a single coaching session can make a big difference.

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